I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
