Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
