Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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