Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
