It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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