I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
