I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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