hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
