oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Randomize
