I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
