i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
did you just send me my own nude
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
