I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You ate ashes out of my bong
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
