The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
