Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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