there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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