i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
