What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Randomize
