Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
