Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
