I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
