oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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