Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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