I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
