omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
