i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
