as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
