he puts the penis in happiness.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
