Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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