sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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