if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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