From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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