just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
