god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
