She's JV to your varsity
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
