Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
