I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
