Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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