At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
