I got chris browned last night
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
