After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
