I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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