im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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