Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
