This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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