just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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