what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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