look no pants
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
