do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
they call him Oral-B. enough said
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
