he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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