the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
