Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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