I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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