Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
